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Folly for the Wise 



Folly for the Wise 

By 

Carolyn Wells 



With Illustrations by 

Florence Scovel Shinn 

Gustave Verbeek 

Fanny Y. Cory 

Oliver Herford 



Indianapolis 

The Bobbs-Merrill Company 

Publishers 



Copyright 1904 
The Bobbs-Merrill Company 



October 



8 i904 

.lonw^orht Entry 
Ci>SS CL *Xe. No, 



753^ 
^33 



ft 

00* 



PRESS OF 

BRAUNWORTH & CO. 

BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS 

UROOKLYN. N. Y. 



"Folly for the Wise" 

is Dedicated 

To 

Those Who Are Wise Enough 

To Know Folly 

When They See Her 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

About Books 89 

Adventures of Little Katy, The 75 

Advice to Children 73 

And Yet Another 163 

Animal Studies 2 3 

Apple-Butterfly, The 22 

Apple-Cormorant, The 8 

Authorized Versions 97 

Baby's Looks 82 

Baker's Dozen of Wild Beasts, A 53 

Bananaconda, The -° 

Bath-Bunny, The 55 

Battering-Ram, The 86 

Bear, The V- 

Billycock, The j 6 

Boot-Jackal, The 7 

Bread-Panther, The 59 

Calm Steam-Roller, The 85 

Careless Niece, The 84 

Carnivorous Bear, The 84 

Cat, The 33 

Christmas Thought, A I01 

Church-Puma, The *9 

Clothes-Horse, Tin-. J 4 

Cold, Hard Lake, The 85 

Compound Zoology j 

Corn-Pone-y, The 66 

Cream-Puffin, The 60 

Duck, The 33 



PAGE 

Economical Pair, The 153 

English as She Is Spelled 167 

Experiences of Gentle Jane, The 84 

Electric-Light Plant, The 45 

Flapjackal, The 64 

Fly-Leaves 48 

For Christmas 99 

For the Very Young 71 

For Young Children 69 

Gold Carats 41 

Goose, The 33 

Half-Guineapig, The 5 

Hat Tree, The 40 

Hints on Table Etiquette 121 

How to Know the Wild Animals 25 

How to Tell the Wild Flowers 39 

Inexpensive Cynicisms 130 

Inside Facts 116 

Inside Facts About Authors 93 

Irishman at the Lunch-Counter, The 165 

Irritator, An 112 

Jeanette's Pranks 83 

Johnny's Fun 81 

Kid, The 34 

Lesson in Household Pets, A 77 

Limericks 161 

Lion, The 32 

Little Biscuitten, A 58 

Lollipopossum, The 6 

Loneliness 87 

Love 163 

Manual of Manners for Young Animals 35 

Maxioms 50 

Meringue-Utang, The 63 

Merry Game, A 82 

Merry Moses 81 

Mince-Python, The 57 






PAGE 

MlNT-JULEPARD, THE 4 

Mixed Maxims . I0 8 

Mixed Morals 133 

More Maxioms 80 

More Mixed Maxims 158 

Naughty Automobile, The 85 

Neck-Tiger, The 15 

Needed Institution, A 106 

New Experience, A 85 

Old Lady From Dover, The 165 

Our Polite Parents 81 

Out of All Proportion 102 

Pastry-Cuckoo, The 68 

Puppy, The 34 

Raspberry Shrub, The 46 

Red-Tapir, The 13 

Retribution 104 

Rude Train, The 84 

Salt-Porcupine, The 9 

Saratoga Trunk, The 39 

Sedate Mamma 81 

„ Small Ginger-Snapper, The 61 

Society Bud, The 44 

Square Root, The 49 

Stage Whispers 115 

Steel-Penguin, The 3 

Stone-Crockodile, The 67 

Stone-Walrus, The 17 

Suicidal Cat, The 28 

Sweet-Peacock, The ii 

Ten-Centipede, The 10 

Tin-Cangaroo, The 62 

To a Baked Fish 123 
To the Butter 



2Q 
28 
25 

To Lettuce 124 



To Cucumbers 128 

To Lamb Chops 125 



PAGE 

To the Morning Paper I26 

To a Salad 



82 

21 

in 



Tom and Grandpa 11 

Towel-Raccoon, The 

Tragic Calendar, A 

Train, The 4:04 

^r ^ 164 

1 URNINGS OF A BOOKWORM, THE 

Tutor, The * 

TWO AUTOMOBILISTS, THE J 

Two Brothers, The *£ 
Two Business Men, The 
Two Farmers, The 

Two Housewives, The * 39 

Two Husbands, The * 45 

Two Ladies, The * 51 

Two New Houses, The I41 

Two Pedestrians, The I35 

Two Prisoners, The * 55 

Two Suitors, The * 57 

Two Young Men, The * 37 

Vermicelliphant, The * 43 
Verse and Worse 

Wallflower, A IOg 

Wall Street Bulls and Bears 47 

White Charlotte-Rooster, The 11 

Widow's Weeds 5 

Wild Animals I Have Met 43 

Wild Oats 32 

Wine-Jelly-Fish, The f 

Wiseacreage ^ 

Word Can-Can. A nS , 



166 






Folly for the Wise 



COMPOUND ZOOLOGY 




The Steel- Pengui7i 

The Steel-Penguin is awfully proud, 
And scratches obtrusively loud; 
Though pens of a feather 
May all flock together, 
His nibs won't be seen in the crowd. 



The Mint-yulepard 

A Mint-Julepard flew at the throat 
Of a man at a French table d'hote; 
Yet strange to relate, 
The man met his fate 
With a fortitude worthy of note. 




The Half-Guineapig 

The Half-Guineapig is a freak, 
For which many eagerly seek; 
Though worthy of praise, 
They're not easy to raise — 
I haven't seen one for a week. 



The Lollipopossum 

The Lollipopossum, it seems, 
Is made out of chocolate creams ; 
He hangs by his tail 
From a bough or a rail, 
And has most remarkable dreams. 




The Boot-Jackal 

The Boot-Jackal is deadly, though small; 
He's so tame he will come at your call; 

Or he'll whizz through the night, 

Like a bird in full flight, 
After cats on the back garden wall. 



The Apple-Cormorant 

Said an old Apple- Cormorant, "See? 

I am found on my own family-tree. 
The botanists say 
I'm a wild bird of prey; 

How little they know about me!" 



8 




The Salt- Porcupine 

We see here a Sa.t-Porcupine 
Who is kept in a barrel of brine; 
Whenever he sleeps 
He abundantly weeps, 
To renew his surroundings saline. 






The Ten - Centipede 

The Ten-Centipede can not climb, 
For each of his legs is a dime. 

He's silver you see, 

So he wants to be free, 
But they keep him tied up all the time. 



10 




The Sweet-Peacock 

A Sweet-Peacock once said: "I presume 
I take up a great deal of room ; 

But of course you must see 

It is necessaree, 
As my feathers are all in full bloom. " 



1 1 



JVall Street Bulls and Bears 

A Wall Street Bull or Bear's a clever beast; 
Usually smooth -skinned, though they're 

sometimes fleeced. 
They live on copper, cotton, oil or wheat, 
Or anything they find upon the Street. 
They watch the time for watering the stock, 
Although they'd rather drink champagne 

or hock. 



12 




The Red-Tapir 

The Red-Tapir seems useless to me ; 

He lives in a desk, as you see; 
He pokes his long nose 
Into other folks' woes, 

And then calmly asks for a fee. 

i3 



The Clothes-Horse 

The Clothes-Horse, decked in brave array, 
Caparisoned with trappings gay, 

Without a doubt is of the breed 
Of the old Trojans' famous steed. 

And every year we gladly go 

To see the festive clothes-horse show. 



H 




The Neck-Tiger 

A Neck-Tiger who lived in a drawer 
Said, "My limited scope I deplore; 
But I will not demur, 
Though I'd greatly prefer 
To run in the jungle and roar/' 



The Billycock 

The Billycock's a smart and handsome 
fowl, 

Though gray and sober-colored as an owl. 

It has no feathers; and it is a bird 

That may be felt, though it can not be heard. 

Though found above all human imperfec- 
tions, 

It sometimes makes a bet upon elections. 



16 




The Stone-Walrus 

This Stone- Walrus is used as a guard 
To keep people out of the yard. 
It sighs for the sea, 
And gets mad as can be, 
And I must say I think it is hard. 



17 



The Vermicelliphant 

The old Vermicelliphant went 
Right into the big circus tent. 
He forgot in his haste, 
He was nothing but paste, 
And he couldn't perform worth a cent. 



18 




The Church-Puma 

A Church-Puma exclaimed, "I declare 
This is an extremely fine lair; 

But they won't let me grunt, 
And there's nothing to hunt, — 
I'll just slip out during the prayer." 

19 



The Bananaconda 

The Bananaconda is thin, 
With a reddish or yellow skin. 

He's not quite a brute, 

Nor exactly a fruit, 
Though to each of them he is akin. 



ao 




The Towel-Racoon 

The Towel-Racoon, it is said, 
Is a patient and tame quadruped ; 
He's exceedingly strong, 
And his legs, thin and long, 
Proclaim him a true thoroughbred 



21 



The Apple-Butterfly 

Apple-Butterflies are very sweet, 

And they're awfully good things to eat; 

They're raised, you must know, 

In the country, and so 
At a farm-house you'll find them a treat. 



22 



ANIMAL STUDIES 



How to Know the Wild Animals 

If ever you should go by chance 

To jungles in the East, 
And if there should to you advance 

A large and tawny beast — 
If he roar at you as you're dyin', 

You'll know it is the Asian Lion. 

If, when in India loafing round, 
A noble wild beast meets you, 

With dark stripes on a yellow ground, 
Just notice if he eats you. 

This simple rule may help you learn 
The Bengal Tiger to discern. 



*5 



When strolling forth, a beast you view 
Whose hide with spots is peppered ; 

As soon as it has leapt on you, 
You'll know it is the Leopard. 

'T will do no good to roar with pain, 
He'll only lep and lep again. 

If you are sauntering round your yard, 
And meet a creature there 

Who hugs you very, very hard, 
You'll know it is the Bear. 

If you have any doubt, I guess 

He'll give you just one more caress. 

Whene'er a quadruped you view 

Attached to any tree, 
It may be 'tis the Wanderoo, 

Or yet the Chimpanzee. 
If right side up it may be both, 

If upside down it is the Sloth. 



26 



Though to distinguish beasts of prey 
A novice might nonplus; 

Yet from the Crocodile you may 
Tell the Hyena, thus: 

'Tis the Hyena if it smile; 

If weeping, 'tis the Crocodile. 

The true Chameleon is small — 

A lizard sort of thing; 
He hasn't any ears at all 

And not a single wing. 
If there is nothing on the tree 

'Tis the Chameleon you see. 



27 



The Suicidal Cat 

A little cat whose heart was broke 
Sat down one day and cried, 

And with a deep, despairing sigh 
Resolved on suicide. 

Saying, "Nobody in the world 
Would mourn me if I died!" 

Nine lives the little cat had. 

Oh, his was a direful fate. 
But he was cool and self-possessed, 

Extremely up-to-date; 
He fired a well-aimed pistol-shot, 

And then his lives were eight. 

28 



His deadly purpose faltered not. 

That night about eleven 
He shut his door, turned on the gas, 

And rolled his eyes toward heaven. 
The night wore on. When morning 
came 

His little lives were seven. 

Next night the reckless little cat 
Again approached the Styx; 

He tied around his slender neck 
Two awful heavy bricks. 

A splash, a choke, a gurgle, and 
His lives were then but six. 

"Confound it!" cried the little cat, 

"Why must I stay alive? 
Is there no efficacious death 

From which I can't revive?" 
He bought a rope and hanged himself, 

But still his lives were five. 



29 



Then fiercely raged the little cat, 

And wickedly he swore. 
He grasped the great big carving knife 

And finished one life more; 
And then he wondered how on earth 

He'd fix the other four. 

A while he pondered thoughtfully, 
Then said, "It seems to me 

To meet a passing railroad train 
Expedient would be/' 

Suiting the action to the word, 
The cat's lives now were three. 

When he got up and shook himself, 

He felt a trifle blue. 
"Mine is indeed a strenuous death," 

He said. "What can I do? 
Aha! some nitroglycerine!" 

Full soon his lives were two. 



30 



"Well," he remarked contentedly, 
"The deed is almost done; 

I've very nearly severed 

The thread the Fates have spun.' 

A teaspoonful of poison next 
Reduced his lives to one. 

A grin of satisfaction 

Across his features spread. 

"Now for the grand finale!" 
The little cat then said. 

He bought an automobile. Soon 
The little cat was dead. 



3i 



Wild Animals I Have Met 

THE LION 

I've met this beast in drawing-rooms, 
'Mong ladies gay with silks and plumes. 

He looks quite bored, and silly, too, 
When he's held up to public view. 

I think I like him better when 
Alone I brave him in his den. 

THE BEAR 

I never seek the surly Bear, 

But if I meet him in his lair 
I say, "Good day, sir; sir, good day/' 

And then make haste to get away. 
It is no pleasure, I declare, 

To meet the cross, ill-natured Bear. 



32 



THE GOOSE 

I know it would be of no use 
To say Pd never met a Goose. 

There are so many all around, 

With idle look and clacking sound. 

And sometimes it has come to pass 
I've seen one in my looking-glass. 

THE DUCK 

This merry one, with laughing eyes, 
Not too sedate nor overwise, 

Is best of comrades ; frank and free, 
A clever hand at making tea; 

A fearless nature, full of pluck, 
I like her well — she is a Duck. 

THE CAT 

The Cat's a nasty little beast; 

She's seen at many a f<£te and feast. 
She's spiteful, sly and double-faced, 

Exceeding prim, exceeding chaste. 
And while a soft, sleek smile she wears, 

Her neighbor's reputation tears. 

33 



THE PUPPY 

Of all the animals I've met 

The Puppy is the worst one yet. 

Clumsy and crude, he hasn't brains 
Enough to come in when it rains. 

But with insufferable conceit 

He thinks that he is just too sweet. 

THE KID 

Kids are the funniest things I know; 

Nothing they do but eat and grow. 
They're frolicsome, and it is said 

They eat tin cans and are not dead. 
I'm not astonished at that feat, 

For all things else I've seen them eat. 



34 



Manual of Manners for Young Animals 

Dear Little Tiger, it is rude 

To growl and grumble at your food; 

So learn this lesson, I implore you, — 
Always eat what's placed before you. 

Dear Little Whale, let me entreat 

That you will keep quite clean and neat; 

Pray do not storm and rage with wrath 
When you are told to take a bath. 

Dear Little Owl, try to be good 

And mind your mother as you should; 

With cheerful smile forsake your play 
When sent to take a nap each day. 

3S 



Dear Little Bear, affectionate be 

Toward all the people that you see; 

Heed not their cold and haughty shrugs 
But greet them with endearing hugs. 

My Dear Hyena, your sweet smile 

Proves that you have no thought of guile; 

But when you meet a timid man 
Pray laugh as little as you can. 

Dear Little Leopard, have you tried 

To clean those spots from off your hide? 

If soap and sand will not succeed, 
Then gasoline is what you need. 



36 



HOW TO TELL THE 
WILD FLOWERS 



The Saratoga Trunk 

The Saratoga Trunk I find 

To be the largest of its kind. 
'Tis old and hollow, and perhaps 

That's why it's fastened round with straps; 
But look inside — it seems to be 

The trunk of some old family tree. 



39 



The Hat Tree 

The curious Hat Tree has no roots, 
But often it hangs full of fruits; 

Broad-leafed varieties are seen; 

They're black or yellow, white or green; 

And sometimes the strange fruit it grants 
Of umbrella trees or rubber plants. 



40 



Gold Carats 

Gold Carats in the West are found. 

They are dug up from good, rich ground, 
Yellow and fine, by all they're sought, 

And in the market may be bought. 
On rich men's tables they are placed, 

Though many question their good taste. 



4i 



Wild Oats 

Wild Oats are sown by many a fop, 
Who is dismayed to see the crop. 

He goes to threshing with a vim, 

(The threshing should be given to him! 

Alas! the oats he can't remove — 

A food for nightmares oft they prove. 



42 



Widow s Weeds 

A crop of Widow's Weeds they say, 
May spring up in a single day. 

If watered with a rain of tears 

The crop will sometimes last for years; 

But Time may mow them down apace 
And orange blossoms take their place. 



43 



The Society Bud 

A house-plant; — in a heated room 
This little bud is forced to bloom ; 

'Tis young and small and somewhat green, 
Close to the parent stem 'tis seen, 

And if it ventures but to speak, 

A blush comes to its soft, pink cheek. 



44 



The Electric- Light Plant 

Here's the Electric-Light Plant; see 
How bright its blossoms seem to be. 

Afar it spreads its branching routes; 
Electric currents are its fruits. 

It is a house-plant; in our rooms 
We may enjoy its brilliant blooms. 



45 



The Raspberry Shrub 

Next of the Raspberry Shrub I'll tell. 

By glass protected, it thrives well. 
Like to the mushroom, it is found 

In dark, damp cellars underground. 
It needs no watering at all, 

And ripens in the early fall. 






4 6 



A Wallflower 

A faded Wallflower we may spy, 
Hardy, perennial, five feet high. 

It clings to walls of drawing-rooms, 
It leaves quite late and never blooms. 

If it were but a bud, ah, then 

'Twould be much more admired by men. 



47 



Fly- Leaves 
Of surface smooth and texture fine, 



These leaves have neither vein nor line. 
They're found in groups of two or three: 

Of little use they seem to be. 
Even in autumn, it is said, 

Though they may turn, they are not read. 






48 



The Squa?~e Root 

The Square Root is not nice a bit. 

Mathematicians dig for it; 
They seem to relish it, but I 

Think it exceeding hard and dry. 
Yet 'tis of use, for I suppose 

From it a branch of learning grows. 



49 



Maxioms 

Reward is its own virtue. 
The wages of sin is alimony. 
Money makes the mayor go. 
A penny saved spoils the broth. 
Of two evils, choose the prettier. 
There's no fool like an old maid. 
Make love while the moon shines. 
Where there's a won't there's a way. 
Nonsense makes the heart grow fonder. 
A word to the wise is a dangerous thing. 
A living gale is better than a dead calm. 
A fool and his money corrupt good manners. 

5° 



A word in the hand is worth two in the ear. 

A man is known by the love-letters he 
keeps. 

A guilty conscience is the mother of 
invention. 

Whosoever thy hands find to do, do with 
thy might. 

It's a wise child who knows less than his 
own father. 

Never put off till to-morrow what you can 
wear to-night. 

He who loves and runs away, may live to 
love another day. 



5 1 



A BAKER'S DOZEN OF 
WILD BEASTS 




The Bath-Bunny 

The Bath-Bunny is chubby and fat; 
He has citron stuck into his hat; 

And sugar is spread 

All over his head, 
But he cares not a penny for that. 



55 




The White Charlotte-Rooster 

The White Charlotte-Rooster averred 
At the cake-walk he'd beat every bird; 
Of course he was whipped, 
Though he hopped and he skipped 
In a manner extremely absurd. 

56 




The Mince-Pytho?i 

The Mince-Python 's a crusty old beast, 
But a spirited guest at a feast; 

One night at my niece's 

He went all to pieces, 
Or felt awfully cut up, at least. 



57 




A Little Biscuitten 

A little Biscuitten said, "How 

Shall I open my mouth when I meow? 

For I can not adjust 

My crisp upper crust, 
And I don't like to wrinkle my brow." 



58 




The Bread-Panther 

The Bread-Panther remarked with a scowl: 
"I wish I could go out and prowl! 
It 's so awfully slow 
To sit here and hold dough, 
Though it 's all covered up with a towel/' 



59 




The Cream-Puffin 

The Cream-Puffin, who lives upon custard 
One day grew quite angry, and blustered; 
When they said, "Will he bite?" 
He replied, "Well I might 
If you sprinkle me thickly with mustard." 



60 




The Small Ginger- Snapper 
The small Ginger-Snapper in glee 
Said, "I'm going to swim in the sea." 

When they said, "You'll be drowned!" 

Quite darkly he frowned, 
Saying, "That doesn't matter to me." 

61 




The Tin-Cangaroo 

There was an old Tin-Cangaroo, 
And very conceited he grew, 

For in all of the shops 

They noticed his hops, 
Which were found in the yeast he would brew. 

62 




The Meringue-Utang 

The Meringue-Utang rose on the sly, 
And climbed to the top of a pie; 
They beat him to froth, 
And he felt very wroth, 
But he only said calmly, "Oh, my!" 



63 




The Flapjackal 

The Flapjackal's dearest desire 
Was to lie by a very hot fire; 

When he found he was burned, 

He suddenly turned 
With a gesture expressive of ire. 



64 




The Jf^ine-yelly-Fish 

The Wine-Jelly-Fish will not scold 
If the weather 's sufficiently cold; 
And though the queer creature 
Has scarcely a feature, 
He is proud of his form, I am told. 

65 




The Corn-Pone-y 

The timid Corn-Pone-y's heart fluttered, 
But never a sentence he uttered, 

Until somebody said, 

"Pray, are you well-bred ?" 
And he answered, "I'm very well buttered/' 

66 




The Stone-Crockodile 

On a shelf sat a Stone-Crockodile 
Who had a phenomenal smile; 
If you offered him lard 
He winked very hard, 
And he ate an astonishing pile. 



6 7 




The Pastry -Cuckoo 

Then in came the Pastry-Cuckoo, 
And she said to the animals, "Shoo!" 
With roars of delight 
They were soon out of sight; 
Some ran, some hopped, and some flew. 

68 



FOR YOUNG CHILDREN 



For the Very Young 

The Sole is a fish of pale, pearly hues; 
From him we may get sole leather for shoes. 

The Hornet is pretty, he hovers round hives; 
From him we obtain horn handles for knives. 

The Mo is a beast found in Tibet, I guess; 
From him we procure mohair for a dress. 

The Tapir is useful, as you may suppose; 
From him we get tape to sew on our clothes. 

The Bunting 's a bird that lives in the trees; 
From him we make flags which wave in the 
breeze. 



7* 



The Butterfly seems to be useful, indeed; 
From him we get butter, which all of us need. 

The Jellyfish lives in the depths of the sea ; 
From him we get jelly to eat at our tea. 

The Penguin 's a bird that walks, flies or floats; 
From him we get pens to write letters and 
notes. 

The Electric Eel shines by day and by night ; 
From him we obtain electrical light. 

The Ring- Dove is gray, with dark, glossy 

wings; 
From him we get ruby and diamond rings. 



72 



Advice to Children 

For a domestic, gentle pet, 
A hippopotamus I'd get — 

They're very kind and mild. 
I'm sure if you but purchase one 
You'll find 'twill make a lot of fun 

For any little child. 

Select one of a medium size, 
With glossy fur and soft blue eyes, 

Then brush and comb him well. 
With wreaths of flowers his forehead deck, 
And from a ribbon round his neck 

Suspend a silver bell. 

73 



If it should be a rainy day, 
Up in the nursery he will play 

With Baby, Tot and Ted; 
Upon the rocking-horse he'll ride, 
Or merrily he'll run and hide 

Beneath a chair or bed. 

And when he wants to take a nap, 
He'll cuddle up in Totty's lap, 

As quiet as a mouse. 
Just try it, and you'll soon agree 
A hippopotamus should be 

A pet in every house. 



74 



The Adventures of Little Katy 

Little Katy wandered where 
She espied a Grizzly Bear. 

Noticing his savage wrath, 

Katy kicked him from her path. 

Little Katy, darling child, 

Met a Leopard, fierce and wild; 
Ere the ugly creature sped off, 

Little Katy bit his head off. 

Katy, in her best blue cape, 
Met a furious angry Ape; 

But his rage received a check, — 
Little Katy wrung his neck. 



75 



Little Katy met a Lion; 

From starvation he was dyin\ 
Though misfortune hadn't crushed him, 

Katy stepped on him and squshed him. 

Little Katy, near the Niger, 

Met a big, blood-thirsty Tiger; 

Tied a brick around his throat, 

Went and drowned him in the moat. 

Little Katy had a fuss 

With a Hippopotamus; 
Though the beast was somewhat weighty, 

He was soon knocked out by Katy. 

Little Katy flushed with ire 

As a hungry Wolf came nigh her. 

So impertinent was he, 

Katy chased him up a tree. 

Little Katy, once by chance 

Met a drove of Elephants; 
Katy, fearing they might crowd her, 

Scattered round some Persian powder. 

7 6 



A Lesson in Household Pets 

Dear Child, who wants a household pet, 

For you these lines are written. 
Don't let your Aunt or Mother get 

A bird, or dog, or kitten, 
But tell them, for a pleasant change 

From those old hackneyed creatures, 
You'd like a beast of wider range 

And less familiar features. 

For nature's lessons can't be learned 

In school-room or in college; 
But by proximity discerned 

Is perfect nature knowledge. 
So do not tramp the wild, wet wood, 

And get all damp and muddy; 
But in your nursery, sweet and good, 

Pursue your nature study. 

77 



So, Child, whatever be your age, 

Instead of a Canary, 
Just keep within your gilded cage 

A pretty Dromedary. 
'Twill teach you more of nature-lore 

Than wearisome researches, 
To hear the little darling roar, 

And hop about on perches. 

A few nice Jaguars will give 

A lot more fun than rabbits; 
Then you can notice how they live 

And study their queer habits. 
And I'm prepared to guarantee, 

If you like life and action, 
Two Jaguars, or maybe three, 

Will give you satisfaction. 

When you by day are playing round, 
Or when at night you're sleeping, 

A pet Rhinoceros, I've found 
Will well repay the keeping. 



78 



By day he'll willingly be fed 
With all the folks provide you; 

At night, upon your little bed, 
He'll cuddle down beside you. 

Of course it may not seem to you 

I've mentioned very many, 
But I have just picked out a few 

Which I think best of any. 
If you make Aunt or Mother get 

All these I've recommended, 
Your poor old-fashioned household pet 

Will find its reign is ended. 



79 



Our Polite Parents 

SEDATE MAMMA 

When guests were present, dear little Mabel 
Climbed right up on the dinner-table 

And naughtily stood upon her head! 

"I wouldn't do that, dear," Mamma said. 

MERRY MOSES 

Merry, funny little Moses 

Burnt off both his brothers' noses; 
And it made them look so queer 

Mamma said, "Why, Moses, dear!" 

JOHNNY'S FUN 

Johnny climbed up on the bed, 

And hammered nails in Mamma's head. 

Though the child was much elated, 
Mamma felt quite irritated. 

80 



A MERRY GAME 

Betty and Belinda Ames 

Had the pleasantest of games; 

'Twas to hide from one another 
Marmaduke, their baby brother. 

Once Belinda, little love, 
Hid the baby in the stove; 

Such a joke! for little Bet 
Hasn't found the baby yet. 

TOM AND GRANDPA 

From his toes up to his shins 

Tom stuck Grandpa full of pins; 

Although Tom the fun enjoyed, 
Grandpapa was quite annoyed. 

BABY'S LOOKS 

Bobby with the nursery shears 
Cut off both the baby's ears; 

At the baby, so unsightly, 

Mamma raised her eyebrows slightly. 



81 



JEANETTE'S PRANKS 

One night, Jeanette, a roguish little lass, 
Sneaked in the guest room and turned on the gas; 
When morning dawned the guest was dead in 

bed, 
But "Children will be children," Mamma said. 



82 



The Experiences of Gentle Ja?ie 

THE CARNIVOROUS BEAR. 

Gentle Jane went walking, where 
She espied a Grizzly Bear; 

Flustered by the quadruped 
Gentle Jane just lost her head. 

THE RUDE TRAIN 

Last week Tuesday, gentle Jane 
Met a passing railroad train; 

"Ah, good afternoon," she said; 
But the train just cut her dead. 

THE CARELESS NIECE 

Once her brother's child, for fun, 
Pointed at her aunt a gun. 

At this conduct of her niece's 
Gentle Jane went all to pieces. 

8j 



THE NAUGHTY AUTOMOBILE 

Gentle Jane went for a ride, 
But the automobile shied; 

Threw the party all about — 

Somehow, Jane felt quite put out. 

THE COLD, HARD LAKE. 

Gentle Jane went out to skate; 

She fell through at half-past eight. 
Then the lake, with icy glare, 

Said, "Such girls I can not bear." 

THE CALM STEAM-ROLLER 

In the big steam-roller's path 

Gentle Jane expressed her wrath. 

It passed over. After that 

Gentle Jane looked rather flat. 

A NEW EXPERIENCE 

Much surprised was gentle Jane 
When a bullet pierced her brain; 

"Such a thing as that," she said, 
"Never came into my head!" 



84 



THE BATTERING-RAM 

"Ah!" said gentle Jane, "I am 
Proud to meet a battering-ram." 

Then, with shyness overcome, 

Gentle Jane was just struck dumb. 



85 



More Maxioms 

Circumstances alter faces. 

Modesty is the best policy. 

Quacks are stubborn things. 

Seize time by the love-lock. 

Home was not built in a day. 

A rolling gait gathers remorse. 

None but the brave go to a fair. 

A little loving is a dangerous thing. 

Society 's the mother of convention. 

Only a fool never minds his change. 

Charity uncovers a multitude of sins. 

A church fair exchange is often robbery. 

It's a wise girl who knows her own mind. 

The love of money is the root of all 
pessimism. 

Let us eat, drink and be married, for to- 
morrow we dye. 



86 



Loneliness 

The weary, dreary hours drag by — 
The clocks strike now and then; 

Impassively I wonder why, — 
And then I wonder when. 



87 



ABOUT BOOKS 



The Turnings of a Bookworm 

Love levels all plots. 
Dead men sell no tales. 
A new boom sweeps clean. 
Circumstances alter bookcases. 
The more haste the less read. 
Too many books spoil the trade. 
Many hands make light literature. 
Epigrams cover a multitude of sins. 
Ye can not serve Art and Mammon. 
A little sequel is a dangerous thing. 
It's a long page that has no turning. 
Don't look a gift-book in the binding. 
A gilt-edged volume needs no accuser. 

9 1 



In a multitude of characters there is safety. 

Incidents will happen even in the best regu- 
lated novels. 

One touch of Nature makes the whole book 
sell. 

Where there's a will there's a detective 
story. 

A book in the hand is worth two in the 
library. 

An ounce of invention is worth a pound 
of style. 

A good name is rather to be chosen than 
great characters. 

Where there's so much puff, there must be 
some buyer. 



92 



Inside Facts About Authors 

For how much did Eugene Sue? 
For what he let George Borrow. 

But wasn't he Owen Wister? 
Yes, but so did Harriet Martineau. 

When did George Ade? 

When he found Clement Shorter. 

Why did Abigail Dodge? 
Because she thought she saw Elmore Elliott 
Peake. 

Why didn't Charles Dudley Warner? 
Because he was watching Josephine Dodge 
Daskam. 

Why did Josephine Dodge Daskam? 
Because she had George Wither. 

93 



Why did Charles Lever? 

Because he didn't wish to see Samuel Lover. 

What made Victoria Crosse? 
Because Albert Herter. 

What made Winston Churchill? 
Because he let Eliza Cook. 

Why couldn't Joseph Cook? 
He didn't ask Julia Ward Howe. 

Why was Madeleine Lucette Ryley? 
Because Elizabeth Custer. 

What made Oscar Wilde? 

To see George Madden Martin. 

Why is it William Dean Howells? 
Because he saw John Boyle O'Reilly. 

What gave Albert Bigelow Paine? 
To see Grace Duffie Boylan. 

What made Maxwell Gray? 

Because he saw Jesse Lynch Williams. 



94 



How do you know Mrs. Campbell Praed? 
Because Johann Herder. 

Whom will Mrs. Humphry Ward? 
Hamilton Wright Mabie. 

What did William Ware? 
John Godfrey Saxe and Edward Noyes 
Westcott. 

Why was Irving Bacheller? 
Because he couldn't Marie Corelli. 

When was John Gay? 

When he saw Henry Blake Fuller. 

When did Anthony Hope? 
When he saw Robert Treat Paine. 

When did Susan Marr Spalding? 
When she saw Julia Dent Grant. 

What is it William Hazlitt? 
The Henry Francis Lyte. 

Is that the kind Robert Burns? 

Yes, and I saw Mrs. Hodgson Burnett. 



9$ 



Why doesn't Clara Louise Burnham? 
She and Molly Elliot Seawell enough 
without. 

Where did Henry Cabot Lodge? 
On A. Quiller Couch. 

When did James Berry Bensel ? 
After he had William Hearst. 

Where was Charles Buxton Going? 
To see where had Curtis Hidden Page. 



96 



Authorized Versions 

Anstey is the best policy. 
Seize time by the Sherlock. 
Love laughs at Hop Smiths. 
Read Hay while the sun shines. 
Of two Egglestons choose the less. 
S. Weir Mitchell makes a muckle. 
A little Tolstoi is a dangerous thing. 
Give Ade to him that asketh of thee. 
It's a long Taine that has no learning. 
A Meredith doeth good like medicine. 
The Stevenson who collaborates is lost. 
Virtue is its own Mrs. Humphry Ward. 
Hope springs eternal in the autumn lists. 

97 



A little more than Poe and less than poet. 

Roe's by any other name would sell as well. 

Don't kill the goose that wrote the Golden 
Girl. 

Don't count your Dickens before they are 
matched. 

Where ignorance is Bliss Carman, 'tis folly 
to be wise. 

One touch of Kipling makes the whole 
world Kim. 

One must have a long spoon to eat with 
Mary MacLane. 

Oh, Elizabeth, Elizabeth, what crimes are 
committed in thy name! 



9 8 



FOR CHRISTMAS 



L.<#fi. 



A Christmas Thought 

'Tis blessed to bestow, and yet, 

Could we bestow the gifts we get, 

And keep the ones we give away, 

How happy were our Christmas Day! 



IOI 



Out of All Proportion 

On Christmas Eve, as pretty Jane 
Came tripping down the stair, 

The spicy smell of Christinas greens 
Pervaded all the air. 

"Now this I can not understand," 
Said Jane. "Why is it so? 

A hundred sprays of holly 
And but one of mistletoe! " 



1 02 



Retribution 

"My daughter, surely you've received 
Full many a Christmas present. 

What makes you look so sad and grieved? 
Why can't you look more pleasant?" 

"Oh, mother dear," Susanna sniffed, 

"To-morrow I must write 
A note of thanks for every gift 

That I've received to-night!" 



104 



A Needed Institution 

"Oh, sir, what is this place so strange, 
Filled full of trinkets fine?" 

"This is the Christmas Gift Exchange, 
A clever plan of mine. 

Your misfit presents here may be 

Exchanged for others that you see." 

I turned my head and laughed aloud 
To see the eager, hurrying crowd. 



06 



Mixed Maxims 

Virtue is the best policy. 

The mare makes money go. 

Little pitchers save the nine. 

It's an ill wind that sweeps clean. 

The love of money levels all ranks. 

The wind bloweth where it is listed. 

A friend in need is the thief of time. 

A bird in the hand is as good as a feast. 

In a multitude of consols there is safety. 

Uneasy lies the head that has no turning. 

A stitch in time is worth two in the side. 

The course of true love waits for no man. 

A word to the wise is the root of all evil. 

One swallow does not make the world go 
round. 

108 



VERSE AND WORSE 



A Tragic Calendar 

jANet was quite ill one day, 
FEBrile troubles came her way. 
MARtyr-like she lay in bed, 
ApRoned nurses softly sped. 
"MAYbe," said the leech, judicial, 
"JuNket would be beneficial." 
JuLeps, too, though freely tried, 
AuGured ill, for Janet died. 
SEPulcher was sadly made, 
OcTaves pealed and prayers were said. 
Novices with many a tear 
DECorated Janet's bier. 



HI 



An Irritator 

The early bird was singing 

And the sun was shining bright. 
I seized my morning paper 

To read about the fight; 
But this sentence caught my notice 

As I scanned it o'er in haste: 
"A tissue-paper pattern 

Of a tucked shirt-waist." 

You remember certain trip-slips 

For a five- or ten-cent fare; 
How they wearied all the passengers 

And made them want to swear; 
But that old and worn-out nuisance 

May be worthily replaced 
By "A tissue-paper pattern 

Of a tucked shirt-waist." 



I 12 



I tried to read the sporting news 

Or bulletins of war; 
That horrid old advertisement 

Kept ringing o'er and o'er. 
Across the editorials 

The silly words seemed traced- 
"A tissue-paper pattern 

Of a tucked shirt-waist." 

I attempted conversation, 

And I found, to my dismay, 
That single wretched sentence 

Was all that I could say. 
I tried to eat my breakfast, 

But I only seemed to taste 
"A tissue-paper pattern 

Of a tucked shirt-waist." 

I suppose some clever agent 
Penned that enterprising ad; 

I want to see the fellow, 
And I want to see him bad. 



"3 



On all his best belongings 
I wish that I could paste 

"A tissue-paper pattern 
Of a tucked shirt-waist." 

And now, O gentle reader, 

In a wicked hope that you 
May fall a victim to its spell, 

I write the line anew, 
And, graven on your memory, 

From mine may be effaced 
The "tissue-paper pattern 

Of a tucked shirt-waist." 



114 



Stage Whispers 

Deadheads tell no tales. 

Stars are stubborn things. 

All's not bold that titters. 

Contracts make cowards of us all. 

One good turn deserves an encore. 

A little actress is a dangerous thing. 

It's a long skirt that has no turning. 

Stars rush in where angels fear to tread. 

Managers never hear any good of them- 
selves. 

A manager is known by the company he 
keeps. 

A plot is not without honor save in comic 
opera. 

Take care of the dance and the songs will 
take care of themselves. 

"5 



Inside Facts 

You see, all her people were eager 
To have it hushed up very soon; 

So the statement, explicit though meager, 
"The dish ran away with the spoon/' 

Was all the reporter could gather 

Of her sudden elopement with him — 

And of course you'll admit it was rather 
Provokingly slim. 

But I've since heard the truth of the matter; 

I'll tell it to you, if you wish. 
There was much idle gossip and chatter, 

And every one blamed the poor dish. 
You see, she was awfully pretty, 

And belonged to a very rich set; 
And the spoon — well, of course 'twas a pity 
That ever they met. 

116 



The meeting was quite accidental; 

It occurred at a dinner one night. 
And as both were a bit sentimental, 

Of course it was love at first sight. 
The spoon to the end of his handle 

With sudden emotion was thrilled; 
While the dish, never dreaming of scandal, 
With rapture was filled. 

Then the spoon grew more recklessly daring; 

He was fond as a lover could be; 
All sorts of rash vows he was swearing, 
And he murmured, " Sweet dish, fly with 
me!" 
"I will," — and the dish smiled with pleasure. 

The first chance to fly they embraced; 
And now they're repenting at leisure 
For wedding in haste. 



117 



Wiseacreage 

Love is a fancy founded on fact. 

Happiness is the ability to recognize it. 

The way to do some things is to do them. 

Woman is made for man to come back to. 

At times there is nothing so unnatural as 
nature. 

It is the tiny flaw that makes perfection 
flawless. 

Flirtation envies Love, and Love envies 
Flirtation. 

Contentment is the result of a limited 
imagination. 

Purity is not ignorance; it is taste in the 
selection of experiences. 

118 



Some smiles look as if they had been done 
up in curl-papers over night. 

The greatest cleverness is in knowing just 
when to hide one's cleverness. 

We should live and learn; but by the time 
we've learned, it's too late to live. 

To be happy, one must have an intense 
sense of the humorous and a humorous sense 
of the intense. 



119 



HINTS ON TABLE ETIQUETTE 




^^^ 



To a Baked Fish 



Preserve a respectful demeanor 

When you are brought into the room; 

Don't stare at the guests while they're eating, 
No matter how much they consume. 



123 




To Lettuce 

The humblest are counted the wisest, 
The modest are lauded the most; 

Don't have a big head because sometimes 
You sit on the right of the host. 



124 




To Lamb Chops 

If there are only ladies at luncheon,- 
It being a feminine feast, — 
You then may appear in curl-papers; 
No one will object in the least. 



125 




To the Morning Paper 

By the family you're welcomed at breakfast, 
Your presence, indeed, they expect; 

But pray do not come in your wrapper — 
It isn't considered correct. 



126 




*=v. 



Th^ 



To a Salad 



The lady whose costume is smartest 
May not be the most honored guest; 

Don't think you are better than others 
Because you are very well dressed. 



127 




tf-jfWp^* 



To Cucumbers 

Who rashly gives way to his temper 

Is often considered a fool; 
Although they may call you a green one, 

Just try to keep perfectly cool. 



128 




^U&J* 



To the Butter 



To exercise just before meal-time 
The doctors declare is quite wrong; 

So don't run when dinner is waiting, 
Especially if you're not strong. 



129 



Inexpensive Cynicisms 

Poets are born not maids. 

Flirtation is the thief of time. 

A pitch in time saved the nine. 

Every dogma must have its day. 

A thirsty man will catch at a straw. 

The rolling stone catches the worm. 

Never put a gift cigar in your mouth. 

'Tis a mean door that hath no keyhole. 

It's a wise child that owes his own father. 

All that a man hath will he give to his wife. 

A man is known by the trumpery he keeps. 

A profit is not without honor save in Boston. 

The course of true love is the route of all 
evil. 

130 



One touch of nature makes the whole world 
blush. 

The milk of human kindness never did run 
smooth. 

"Heaven lies about us in our infancy/ ' and 
this world lies about us when we are grown up. 



131 



MIXED MORALS 



The Two New Houses 

Once on a Time, there were Two Men, each 
of whom decided to build for himself a Fine, 
New House. 

One Man, being of an Arrogant and Con- 
ceited Nature, took counsel of Nobody, but 
declared that he would build his House to 
suit himself. 

"For/' said he, "since it is My House 
and I am to Live in It, why should I ask 
the Advice of my Neighbors as to its 
Construction ?" 

While the House was Building, the Neigh- 
bors came often and Looked at it, and went 
away, Whispering and Wagging their Heads 
in Derision. 

But the Man paid no Heed, and continued 
to build his House as he Would. 

The Result was that, when completed, his 
House was lacking in Symmetry and Utility, 



l 3S 



and in a Hundred ways it was Unsatisfactory, 
and for each Defect there was a Neighbor 
who said, "Had you asked Me, I would have 
Warned you against that Error/' 

The Other Man, who was of a Humble 
and Docile Mind, went to Each of his Neigh- 
bors in Turn, and asked Advice about the 
Building of his House. 

His Friends willingly and at Great Length 
gave him the Benefit of their Experiences and 
Opinions, and the Grateful Man undertook to 
Follow Out all their Directions. 

The Result was that his House, when fin- 
ished, was a Hodge-Podge of Varying Styles 
and Contradictory Effects, and Exceedingly 
Uncomfortable and Inconvenient to Live In. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches that In a Multitude of 
Counselors there is Safety, and that Too 
Many Cooks Spoil the Broth. 



116 



The Two Suitors 

Once on a Time there was a Charming 
Young Maiden who had Two Suitors. 

One of These, who was of a Persistent and 
Persevering Nature, managed to be Contin- 
ually in the Young Lady's Company. 

He would pay her a visit in the Morning, 
Drop In to Tea in the Afternoon, and Call 
on her Again in the Evening. 

He took her Driving, and he Escorted her 
to the Theater. He would take her to a 
Party, and then he would Dance, or Sit on 
the Stairs, or Flit into the Conservatory 
with her. 

The Young Lady admired this man but 
she Wearied of his never-ceasing Presence, and 
she Said to Herself, "If he were not Always 
at my Elbow I should Better Appreciate his 
Good Qualities." 



l 37 



The Other Suitor, who considered himself 
a Man of Deep and Penetrating Cleverness, 
said to himself, "I will Go Away for a Time, 
and then my Fair One will Realize my Worth 
and Call Me Back to Her." 

With a sad Visage he made his Adieus, and 
he Exacted her Pledge to Write to him Occa- 
sionally. But after he had Gone she Forgot 
her Promise, and Soon she Forgot his Very 
Existence. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches that Absence Makes the 
Heart Grow Fonder, and that Out of Sight 
is Out of Mind. 



138 



The Two Farmers 

Once on a Time there were Two Farmers 
who wished to Sell their Farms. 

To One came a Buyer who offered a Fair 
Price, but the Farmer refused to Sell, saying 
he had heard rumors of a Railroad which was 
to be Built in his Vicinity, and he hoped The 
Corporation would buy his Farm at a Large 
Figure. 

The Buyer therefore went Away, and as 
the Railroad never Materialized, the Farmer 
Sorely Regretted that he lost a Good Chance. 

The Other Farmer Sold his Farm to the 
First Customer who came Along, although 
he Received but a Small Price for it. Soon 
Afterward a Railroad was Built right through 
the Same Farm, and The Railroad Company 
paid an Enormous Sum for the Land. 
morals: 

This Fable teaches that a Bird In The Hand 
is worth Two In The Bush, and The Patient 
Waiter Is No Loser. 



39 



The Two Brothers 

Once on a Time there were Two Brothers 
who Set Out to make their Way In The 
World. 

One was of a Roving Disposition, and no 
sooner had he settled Down to Live in One 
Place than he would Gather Up all his Goods 
and Chattels and Move to another Place. 
From here again he would Depart and make 
him a Fresh Home, and so on until he Became 
an Old Man and had gained neither Fortune 
nor Friends. 

The Other, being Disinclined to Change 
or Diversity of Scene, remained all his Life 
in One Place. He therefore Became Narrow- 
Minded and Provincial, and gained None of the 
Culture and Liberality of Nature which comes 
from Contact with various Scenes of Life. 
morals: 

This Fable teaches that a Rolling Stone 
Gathers No Moss, and a Setting Hen Never 
Grows Fat. 



140 



The Two Ladies 

Once on a Time there were Two Ladies 
at a Shop where Gorgeous and Expensive 
Silks were temptingly displayed. "Only Six 
Dollars a Yard, Madam," said the Shopman 
to One of the Ladies, as he held up the Lus- 
trous Breadths in those Tempting Fan-shaped 
Folds peculiar to Shopmen. 

The Lady hesitated, and looked Dubiously 
at the Silk, for she knew it was Beyond her 

Means. 

The Shopman Continued: "Very Cheap 
at the Price, and I have Only this One Dress 
Pattern remaining. You will Take it? Yes? 
Certainly, I will Send it at Once/' 

The Lady went away filled with Deep Re- 
gret because she had Squandered her Money 
so Foolishly, and wished she had been Firm 
in her Refusal to buy the Goods. 

141 



The Other Lady saw a similar Silk. She 
felt it Between her Fingers, Measured its 
Width with her Eye, and then said Impul- 
sively, "Oh, That is just What I Want. I will 
Take Twenty Yards." 

No Sooner was the Silk cut off than the 
Lady felt Sharp Twinges of Remorse, for she 
knew she must Pay for it with the Money she 
had Saved Up for a new Dining-Room Carpet. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches that the Woman Who 
Deliberates Is Lost, and That We Should 
Think Twice Before We Speak Once. 



142 



The Two Young Men 

Once on a Time there were Two Young 
Men of Promising Capabilities. 

One pursued no Especial Branch of Edu- 
cation, but Contented himself with a Smat- 
tering of many different Arts and Sciences, 
exhibiting a Moderate Proficiency in Each. 
When he Came to Make a Choice of some 
means of Earning a Livelihood, he found he 
was Unsuccessful, for he had no Specialty, 
and Every Employer seemed to Require an 
Expert in his Line. 

The Other, from his Earliest Youth, bent 
all his Energies toward Learning to play the 
Piano. He studied at Home and Abroad with 
Greatest Masters, and he Achieved Wonderful 
Success. But as he was about to Begin his 
Triumphant and Profitable Career, he had the 



43 



Misfortune to lose both Thumbs in a Rail- 
way Accident. 

Thus he was Deprived of his Intended 
Means of Earning a Living, and as he had no 
other Accomplishment he was Forced to Sub- 
sist on Charity. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches that a Jack of all Trades 
is Master of None, and that It Is Not Well 
to put All our Eggs in One Basket. 



144 



The Two Housewives 

Once on a Time there were Two House- 
wives who must Needs go to Market to pur- 
chase the Day's Supplies. 

One of Them, who was of a Dilatory 
Nature, said : 

"I will not Hurry Myself, for I Doubt 
Not the Market contains Plenty for all who 
come." 

She therefore Sauntered Forth at her 
Leisure, and on reaching the Market she 
found to her Dismay that the Choicest Cuts 
and the Finest Produce had All been Sold, 
and there remained for her only the Inferior 
Meats and Some Withered Vegetables. 

The Other, who was One of the Hustling, 
Wide-awake Sort, said: 

"I will Bestir myself Betimes and Hasten 



^S 



to Market that I may Take my Pick ere my 
Neighbors appear on the Scene. " 

She did so, and when she Reached the 
Market she Discovered that the Fresh Prod- 
uce had not yet Arrived, and she must Content 
herself with the Remnants of Yesterday's 
Stock. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches that The Early Bird 
Gets the Worm, and that There Are Always as 
Good Fish In the Sea as Ever were Caught. 



146 



The Two Automobilists 

Once on a Time there were Two Young 
Men, each of whom Bought an Automobile. 

One Young Man, being of a Bold and 
Audacious nature, said : 

" I will make my Machine go so Fast, that 
I will break all Previous Records.' ' 

Accordingly, he did So, and he Flew through 
the Small Town like a Red Dragon Pursuing 
his Prey. 

Unheeding all Obstacles in his Mad Career, 
his Automobile ran into a Wall of Rock, and 
was dashed to Pieces. Also, the young Man 
was killed. 

The Other Young Man, being of a Timor- 
ous and Careful Disposition, started off with 
great Caution and Rode at a Slow Pace, 
pausing now and then, Lest he might Run 
into Something. 

147 



The Result was, that Two Automobiles and 
an Ice Wagon ran into him from behind, 
spoiling his Car and Killing the Cautious 
Young Man. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches Us, The More Haste 
The Less Speed, and Delays Are Dangerous. 



148 



The Two Business Men 

Once on a Time two Business Men were 
Each Confronted with what seemed to be a 
Fine Chance to Make Money. 

One Man, being of a Cautious and Prudent 
Nature, said: "I will not Take Hold of this 
Matter until I have Carefully Examined it 
in All its Aspects and Inquired into All its 

Details." 

While he was thus Occupied in a thorough 
Investigation he Lost his Chance of becoming 
a Partner in the Project, and as It proved to be 
a Booming Success, he was Much Chagrined. 

The Other Man, when he saw a Golden 
Opportunity Looming Up Before him, 
Embraced it at once, without a Preliminary 
Question or Doubt. 

But alas! after he had Invested all his 



49 



Fortune in it, the Scheme proved to be 
Worthless, and he Lost all his Money. 

morals: 
This Fable teaches that you should Strike 
While the Iron is Hot, and Look Before you 
Leap. 



150 



The Two Husbands 

Once on a Time there were Two Men, 
each of whom married the Woman of his 
Choice. One Man devoted all his Energies 
to Getting Rich. 

He was so absorbed in Acquiring Wealth 
that he worked Night and Day to Accomplish 
his End. 

By this Means he lost his Health, he became 
a Nervous Wreck, and was so Irritable and 
Irascible that his Wife Ceased to live with 
him and Returned to her Parents* House. 

The Other Man made no Efforts to Earn 
Money, and after he had Spent his own and 
his Wife's Fortunes, Poverty Stared them in 
the Face. 

Although his Wife had loved him Fondly, 
she could not Continue her affection toward 



M 1 



One who could not Support her, so she left 
him and Returned to her Childhood's Home. 

morals: 
This Fable teaches that the Love of Money 
is the Root of All Evil, and that When Pov- 
erty Comes In At the Door, Love Flies Out 
Of the Window. 



152 



The Economical Pair 

Once on a Time there was a Man and his 
Wife who had Different Ideas concerning 
Family Expenditures. 

The Man said : " I am Exceedingly Eco- 
nomical; although I spend Small Sums here 
and there for Cigars, Wines, Theater Tickets, 
and Little Dinners, yet I do not buy me a 
Yacht or a Villa at Newport." 

But even with these Praiseworthy Princi- 
ples, it soon Came About that the Man was 
Bankrupt. 

Whereupon he Reproached his Wife, who 
Answered his Accusations with Surprise. 

" Me ! My dear ! " she exclaimed. " Why, 
I am Exceedingly Economical. True, I 
Occasionally buy me a Set of Sables or a 
Diamond Tiara, but I am Scrupulously Care- 



iS3 



ful about Small Sums; I Diligently unknot 
all Strings that come around Parcels, and Save 
Them, and I use the Backs of old Envelopes 
for Scribbling-Paper. Yet, somehow, my 
Bank-Account is also Exhausted. " 

morals: 
This Fable teaches to Take Care of the 
Pence and the Pounds will Take Care of 
Themselves, and that we Should Not Be 
Penny-Wise and Pound-Foolish. 



*54 



The Two Pedestrians 

Once on a time there were two Men, one 
of whom was a Good Man and the other a 
Rogue. 

The Good Man one day saw a Wretched 
Drunkard endeavoring to find his way Home. 

Being most kind-hearted, the Good Man 
assisted the Wretched Drunkard to his feet 
and accompanied him along the Highway 
toward his Home. 

The Good Man held fast the arm of the 
Wretched Drunkard, and the result of this was 
that when the Wretched Drunkard lurched 
giddily the Good Man perforce lurched too. 

Whereupon, as the Passing Populace saw 
the pair, they said: "Aha! Another good 
man gone wrong," and they Wisely Wagged 
their Heads. 

Now the Bad Man of this tale, being withal 



55 



of a shrewd and canny Nature, stood often on 
a street corner, and engaged in grave conver- 
sation with the Magnates of the town. 

To be sure, the Magnates shook him as 
soon as possible, but in no wise discouraged 
he cheerfully sauntered up to another Mag- 
nate. Thus did he gain a Reputation of being 
a friend of the Great. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches us that A Man is known 
by the Company he Keeps, and that We Must 
not Judge by Appearances. 



156 



The Two Prisoners 

Once upon a time there were two Prisoners 
at the bar, who endeavored to plead for them- 
selves with Tact and Wisdom. 

One concealed certain Facts prejudicial to 
his Cause; upon which the Judge said: "If 
you had Confessed the Truth it would have 
Biased me in your Favor; as it is, I Condemn 
you to Punishment/' 

The other stated his Case with absolute 
Truth and Sincerity, concealing Nothing; and 
the result was that he was Condemned for his 
Misdemeanors. 

morals: 

This Fable teaches that Honesty is the Best 
Policy, and that the Truth should not Be 
spoken at All Times. 



HI 



More Mixed Maxims 

Circumstances alter kisses. 

He loves best who loves last. 

Actions lie louder than words. 

Too many cooks boil the broth. 

Invitation is the sincerest flattery. 

Alliteration is the thief of rhyme. 

One man's fish is another man's poisson. 

It is more blessed to call than to receive. 

Man's importunity is woman's opportunity. 

Contentment is always on the next step 
above. 

Happiness is always a memory or an antici- 
pation. 

A good cook is rather to be chosen than 
great riches. 

i 5 8 



Pegasus is often urged on by the spur of 
the moment. 

A critic is a necessary evil, and criticism is 
an evil necessity. 

A cynic is a man who looks at the world 
with a monocle in his mind's eye. 

A blunder at the right moment is better 
than cleverness at the wrong time. 



l S9 



LIMERICKS 



i^ove 

'Tis said, woman loves not her lover 
So much as she loves his love of her ; 

Then loves she her lover 

For love of her lover, 
Or love of her love of her lover? 



And Tet Another 

"I am willing to give you a show, 

But are these all the roles that you know?" 

The manager cried. 

And the actor replied, 
"Sirrah! No, sir; I know < Cyrano* !" 



163 



The Tutor 

A Tutor who tooted the flute, 

Tried to teach two young tooters to toot; 
Said the two to the tutor, 
"Is it harder to toot or 

To tutor two tooters to toot?'' 



The 4:04 Train 

"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny; 
"Four tickets I'll take. Have you any?" 

Said the man at the door: 

"Not four for 4:04, 
For four for 4:04 is too many." 



164 



The Irishman at the lLunch-Cou?iter 

"I lift home at tin minutes to eight, 
For I wanted tin minutes to ate; 
Me thrain goes at 9:09, 
And now it's nigh nine, 
So there shtill is tin minutes to wait." 



The Old Lady From Dover 

There was an old lady of Dover 
Who baked a fine apple turnover. 
But the cat came that way, 
And she watched with dismay 
The overturn of her turnover. 



165 



A Word Can-Can 

A canner exceedingly canny- 
One morning remarked to his granny, 
"A canner can can 
Anything that he can, 
But a canner can't can a can, can he?" 



1 66 



English as She is Spelled 

There was a young fellow named Knollys, 
Who was fond of a good game of kbollys; 
He jumped and he ran, 
This clever young man, 
And often he took pleasant kstrollys. 



A very polite man named Hawarden 
Went out to plant flowers in his gawarden. 

If he trod on a slug, 

A worm, or a bug, 
He said: "My dear friend, I beg pawarden!" 



167 



A lady who lived by the Thames 
Had a gorgeous collection of ghames. 

She had them reset 

In a large coronet 
And a number of small diadhames. 



There was an old lady named Brougham, 
Who sat in a very dark roughain. 

When asked how she fared, 
She said she was scared 
Because of the gathering glougham. 



168 



There was an old farmer named Wemyss, 
Who had some ridiculous schemyss. 

His horses he sold, 

And then, I am told, 
Drove nothing at all but ox-temyss. 



There was an old fellow of Norwich, 
Who was awfully fond of cold porwich. 
As it never was served, 
He quietly observed: 
"I '11 go into the pantry and forwich." 



169 



Said a bad little youngster named Beauchamp 
"Those jelly-tarts, how shall I reauchamp? 
To my parents I 'd go, 
But they always say 'No,' 
No matter how much I beseauchamp." 



170 

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